Let’s get right to it and take a look at the Wows and the What Were They Thinking…

Please note – I’m also including looks from the Vanity Fair Oscar Party Red Carpet, which some celebs change outfits to attend. That’s a lot of work.

Gold Rush

This years red carpet was almost all gold.  Every actress wanted one of those gold statues or at least they wanted to look like a life-size gold statue.

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But my fav of this bunch was Emma Stone. The dress literally shimmies when she moves. She got to wear the gold and bring home the gold guy. Score!

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Sternum Statements

Am I the only one who is both confused and sick of this look? I just don’t find it flattering.katehudson-9d1fd09b-8095-471f-90ec-a3d62801ff3e

Even Justin Timberlake looks confused at his wife’s situation at the Vanity Fair party.

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Jessica Biel

Jessica Biel

He looks concerned, and maybe even a little scared. The was an actress who used to be known for her strong, athletic figure with a booty and bust. Maybe he’s wondering how Jessica removed her boobs and if parts of his own body could disappear just as quickly.  Perhaps she can borrow from these ladies who have enough to share.

Smooshed Silhouettes

I think some amount of cleavage can look great. But I couldn’t help looking at these ladies and worrying that they would have indents on the chests after the dress comes off. Some of these looks appear to be painful. You can’t cram a DD cup into an A cup dress, trust me, I’ve tried. In a perfect world boobs would be like the old Reebok pump sneakers, where we could inflate and deflate them to work with our outfits.

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The tragedy of it all is that this is an absolutely stunning dress on a gorgeous girl, but no one will ever look at the bottom of the dress because they are too busy staring at what looks like a baby’s bare bottom stuck to her chest.

 

Oh Mariah…why?  I feel very nervous  that one of her breasts might explode. And wouldn’t you just love to know what Reese is thinking ?? Because I have this feeling that these two just happened to be passing by each other and someone asked them to pose for a picture. It’s just awkward. 3dbe8c7400000578-4263282-image-a-199_1488198349146

The Gents

There were some well dressed gents in attendance last night. I love the white dinner jacket on Deb and Andrew’s tailoring is impeccable. Most men are wearing their pants all wrong, and on Andrew you can see just how good it looks when they fit right.

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Then there was Ryan Gosling…who evidently decided to wear the same shirt my dad wore when he married my mom…in the 1970s. I mean, he’s still Ryan Gosling so I think all the ladies can agree to let this one slide.

HOLLYWOOD, CA – FEBRUARY 26: Actor Ryan Gosling attends the 89th Annual Academy Awards at Hollywood & Highland Center on February 26, 2017 in Hollywood, California. (Photo by Christopher Polk/Getty Images)

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Perhaps he was trying to distract people from looking at his sister’s ample bosom.

HOLLYWOOD, CA - FEBRUARY 26: Actor Ryan Gosling attends the 89th Annual Academy Awards at Hollywood & Highland Center on February 26, 2017 in Hollywood, California. (Photo by Christopher Polk/Getty Images)

Dashing Duos

These couples hit a style home run.

Yes, Jen is sporting the navel slit look but I have to say it works well on her because she nailed the exact amount of skin vs. fabric. I also think it looks better to have the hair down when sporting the sternum. With Jessica Biel and Kate Hudson they both had their hair up and/or back, which I think just contributes to that whole boy-meets-world look.

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Oh hey Hollywood…here’s the OG of the red carpet and they know how to do it right. Please note Jeff’s amazing velvet shoes, and his wife is wearing the hell out of that gown, showing up women who are half her age.

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Beautiful Women In Not So Pretty Dresses

She’s stunning…but this boho crocheted bathing suit wedding train hybrid does not work.

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Oh Scar-Jo this is just a Scar-No. Pleats are tricky, very tricky, especially when a woman has curves. Scarlett has an almost sinfully perfect body so I don’t understand why they would put her in these billowy pleats. The belt feels like an unfortunate afterthought to try to reign in the dress.

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And they tried to use that dumb belt again when she changed for the Vanity Fair party.

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What happened here? There had to be somebody in the room, even just one person, who should have stood up during this fitting and stated the obvious, that this dress is hideous. It has an overgrown loincloth look going on that I just don’t understand.

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Dakota – come on, I know you can do better. This looks like a project runway challenge where they were asked to use old satin sheets and curtains, and this would not have been selected as the winning look. It kind of says pilgrim porn star.

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No thanks, I’ll just stand.

I love that Leslie was going for color and I love that Janelle went a bit haute couture, but these dresses have to be impossible to sit in. I mean, really, how did they sit? Do they were a seatbelt in the car?  And what about using the restroom? Maybe they just kept a child’s training potty under their skirts, there certainly was enough room. This is just a glimpse into all the weirdo things I think about when I watch a red carpet.

Mandatory Credit: Photo by David Fisher/REX/Shutterstock (8434880bb) Leslie Mann 89th Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 26 Feb 2017

Mandatory Credit: Photo by David Fisher/REX/Shutterstock (8434880bb)
Leslie Mann
89th Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA – 26 Feb 2017

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Loved the dress, but not the hair.

Halle Berry is drop dead gorgeous, and I love the different textures on this gown, it compliments her shape perfectly. And while I appreciate that she was trying something different with her hair, I really think she looks best when she does a clean and classic short cut. Plus I’d be super annoyed if I had to sit behind her. I’d also probably get kicked out because I wouldn’t be able to stop myself from trying to touch it. I’d have to know if it was springy and soft or sprayed and stiff.

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Charlize is a movie star and she always looks the part. She had the low front dip but there was plenty of tailored fabric to balance it out.

HOLLYWOOD, CA - FEBRUARY 26: Actor Charlize Theron attends the 89th Annual Academy Awards at Hollywood & Highland Center on February 26, 2017 in Hollywood, California. (Photo by Frazer Harrison/Getty Images)

HOLLYWOOD, CA – FEBRUARY 26: Actor Charlize Theron attends the 89th Annual Academy Awards at Hollywood & Highland Center on February 26, 2017 in Hollywood, California. (Photo by Frazer Harrison/Getty Images)

But please, please, explain the pony. Did anyone else want to take a pair of scissors and cut it off? And the elastic? I feel like they may have been trying to do something else and then just gave up. Just like Halle, I think she looks best with very short and close cropped hair.

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Maybe when you are as genetically gifted as these two, having long hair just gets in the way of all that perfection on your face.

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arrives at the Oscars at Hollywood & Highland Center on February 24, 2013 in Hollywood, California.

arrives at the Oscars at Hollywood & Highland Center on February 24, 2013 in Hollywood, California.

 

I know I’ve done a lot of complaining but I had to get it out of my system. Let’s move on to the flawless.

 

It’s All In The Details…

These Eyes

This eye makeup, this purple and the perfect pony. I don’t think anyone else could pull it off but the color just makes Olivia’s eyes pop. And notice how the velvet wrap of her pony compliments the ribbon detail on her dress.

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That Hair

This is Hollywood hair…the color, the cut and that curl. Someone spent time on that specific wave just above her eye, and that someone nailed it.

Mandatory Credit: Photo by David Fisher/REX/Shutterstock (8434880as) Emma Roberts 89th Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 26 Feb 2017

Mandatory Credit: Photo by David Fisher/REX/Shutterstock (8434880as)
Emma Roberts
89th Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA – 26 Feb 2017

Those pockets

Every single female I know gets so excited when they put on a dress or skirt with pockets. We put our hands in it and tell anyone who will listen. We even show them to prove its true.

“I like your dress.” “Thanks, it has pockets!!!”

It’s not that we are really going to put anything in there but it’s knowing that we could. Also it gives us something to do with our hands when we don’t know what to do with our hands. The necklace and shoes, combined with old school glam hair and makeup, make this one of my favorite looks of the night.

 

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That Back.

This dress looks like a breath of fresh air. And then she turned around and we all had our faith restored that Spring will be here soon.

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These Women

These two women were my favorites. Taraji brought out her inner diva and swathed her in velvet. She was smoldering as she sashayed down that carpet. This is true glamour the likes of which we haven’t seen since Elizabeth Taylor swaggered and sauntered those same carpets.

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This dress is simple and yet so stunning. The cut showcases those perfect shoulders, while her jewelry and makeup is subtle and sophisticated. The color grabs your attention but your focus stays right on Viola herself, which is right where it needed to be. Her speech rocked, it literally trembled and dripped with the full emotion of the moment. It was so beautiful and so is she.

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So what are your thoughts? Who did you like? Who did you think had a drunk stylist? And who can’t get rid of that awful cringe in their gut when they realized they handed out the award to the wrong winner? Let me know and thanks for reading my recap!

Suzie