It was the best of the carpet and it was the worst of the carpet. But the best for me were few and far between and there were no wows that made me gasp, but there were plenty of gasps of horror. Ill fitting, strange cutouts and a plethora of tulle. And, if I may make a general observation, were a large group of hair stylists on strike? Where was the shine, the bounce, the curls? I saw lots of severe middle parts, slicked backed wet looking updos and many who looked like their electricity went out and they had to air dry their hair. Read on for my review and then let me know what you loved and who you wish would fire their stylist.
Full disclosure…my red carpet reviews are done for fun and entertainment. As a personal stylist I believe that style and fashion are personal. To me, the best dressed person in any room is always the one who is the happiest in what they are wearing. I don’t envy any of these women having to find a dress and walk the gauntlet while having their photo taken. It takes me 27 tries just to get a selfie I like. So these are just my humble opinions. And the best part about an opinion is there is no right and no wrong. Fashion is a form of art and is subjective, like it has been said many times beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
It’s like a fluffy macaroon came to life and decided to be a dress. I don’t think any of these shades, or shapes are that flattering. The one on the left particular brings back vibes from the SNL Lawrence Welk Show skits, minus the tiny hands. If I had Hannah Waddingham’s (from Ted Lasso) killer collarbones and arms I would have thrown on a strapless black column gown and called it a day. She’s just so gorgeous as is so I’d keep it simple. Please excuse my rudimentary cut and paste but you get the idea.
But there was one person who totally nailed the tulle overload and that was Lizzo. Lizzo shows up, every damn time, and makes it known that she is here. This confection works on her – she can carry it because she is a performer and it perfectly matched her Emmy award. Plus a key to making this style work on her is the length – keeping it short and showing off her legs prevents her from drowning in the dress. The train comes around almost a fan club of tulle following her. And her updo is adorable and also signed a non-compete clause with the dress.
I get that cutouts have been a thing but these “holes” look out of place. Like the designers were on Project Runway and were given not quite enough fabric but Tim Gunn told them to “make it work.” In my opinion none of these work. But given Julia Garner’s exquisite work on Ozark I would be terrified to tell her that to her beautiful face. Maybe the diamond cutout was a nod to the riverboat casino from Ozark, so she kind of looks like a playing card? I can just imagine someone trying to put her character Ruth in this dress and Ruth would be all like “ I don’t know sh*t about f**ck, but I know this dress is f**cking ugly!” If you know Ozark you know, if no t please excuse my/Ruth’s language.
There were some less awkward cutouts, in the design of the keyhole cutout. While this trend pops up every few years it can be tricky when it comes to cleavage. Some want to show it off and some want to show off their sternum. I think it totally depends on the person who is wearing the dress to see which way works. We usually don’t think of Amy Poehler showing off the girls so I’m kinda on the fence here. However, if it had been done in a softer, lighter color, I think it would have worked better. See my not so suave swap below. I also just think the color swap works better on both ladies with their skin and hair.
Mad Max, clothing designer.
I don’t get these. They are very Met Gala couture and not user friendly. I kind of feel like the black dress is staring at me and that the zipper is mouth. I’m kinda afraid of it. Come to think of it, the “eyes” are making me thinking of the Marty cleanup robot from the Giant grocery stores, and he makes me angry.
The gold blob monster clearly looks like it is slowly killing Sarah Niles from Ted Lasso which is a shame because I really like her character. It also kinda reminds me of those dolls we had when we little that you literally snapped the dress onto. Again, no winner here and no swap can fix these.
These trains should have been derailed. Just imagine cutting them off of these dresses and they would look so much better. Although I still can’t get behind Kerry Washington’s black sheer hose.
Kinda like a train these capes were equally confusing and felt unnecessary to the dress. I was so nervous someone would step on them and accidentally choke these lovely women. And again, with the hair that looks like their hair stylist called out sick on Connie Britton, and she has great hair – like really, really good hair. Like the kind of hair you save pictures of and show your hair stylist.
Heavy Metals and Light Nudes
Sorry, that sounds like a description for an awful porno movie. But there were shades of bronze, gunmetal and beige that showed up and to me they all kinda worked but not really. Like if it was a pass/fail grade they passed, but there were some tailoring issues that bugged me.
Christina Ricci wins this face off because hair and makeup are perfectly in sync with the vibe of the dress. I just wish it fit a little bit better without the side boob, and I do have some questions about the matching clutch. Lily James decided to “center part it and forget it” when it came to her hair and I just feel the proportions of this dress are way off, making her bottom half look so much larger than her top half.
So when I say nude I wasn’t kidding. These dresses leave very little to the imagination – I see you boy short undies! But the bra was clearly (literally clearly) left behind. Maybe I’m being too modest but in this case I actually think the sheer view up top takes away from the design of these delicate dresses.
Swoop there it is!
I love a good drape…of fabric. With the right fabric it can do so much on a figure and yet stay so simple. It has an effortless type of look even though there is total precision to the placement of fabric. There was a lot of this dramatic type of swoop draping going on last night and I was totally here for it. These drapings below were all done right because the fabric was kept simple and they kept the focus on the actress wearing the gown. The only suggestion I would have made as a stylist was to shorten the sleeves for both Molly Shannon and Jean Smart. I think showing a twinge of wrist bone would have opened up their arms and the overall look just a bit. Overall I’d say this is close to a 3 way tie, especially because these tv veterans all clearly had their hair and makeup people on lockdown.
I love both of these dresses, but, I think a swap would look better. And Reese’s hair feels a bit too severe with the darker eye makeup and the dark dress. I think it’s been a while since we have seen Reese in red but I would have loved to see her rock this one shoulder number with her hair worn a little loose and wavy. And don’t get me wrong, Kaitlyn Dever and her figure are wearing the hell out this red gown, but color wise I would have loved to see these navy sparkly number paired back to her elegant auburn updo. And my apologies for the photo editing making them look like the Bratz bobblehead dolls.
Winner Winner Chicken Dinner
Now my personal awards for best dressed.
Mariska Hargitay…I’ll have what she’s having. Hair, makeup, jewels and take a peek at those ankle wrap stilettos. She looks amazing without over serving all her bits and pieces. Also notice the subtle draping over her lower hips and up to her waistline, flattering her figure. It’s really, really, good.
Amanda Seyfried was able to pull off this slicked back part because she is a blonde and it softens it. Her makeup echos the purple and pink of her dress and warms up what could have been a tough color to pull off. Her designer clearly got the group discount on tulle but used it so sparingly in a soft pink that you have to look twice to see it.
And then there is Zendaya. I have to include two photos of her so this gracious gown can fully be appreciated. I am a total sucker for classic, old-school Hollywood glamour, and this dress from none other than Valentino had me hook, line, and sinker. Zendaya and her stylist Law Roach have been around the block and they clearly understand the assignment. Zendaya was just 14 years old when she starred in Disney’s Shake It Up. Since then she is moved into deeper, grittier more adult roles. She is now 26 years old and while she could have pretty much worn anything and looked great, the fact that she chose this mature design shows that she is here to play and here to win, which she did last night. Jewelry? It’s a choker done right, which is not easy to do. And that hair? Amazing. Makeup? So bare and yet so done. Oh and the dress has pockets!!! I’d be running around all night, sticking my hands in and out of the dress and shouting “look! It has pockets!” And that, my friends, is just one of many reasons why Zendaya is there wearing that dress and not me.
Your Stylist Doesn’t Like You
And last but not least let say a moment of silence for these dresses that should be burned. I don’t even know where to start.
Kaley Cuoco is such a cutie, so why would she have her hair do that to her face? The severe abuse of pink tulle has me wondering if this was a full length gown and then the stylist grabbed the scissors . The flowers seem to be doing their best impression of the Monkeypox virus. Just no.
Sarah Paulson. What…is…happening? There’s an electric fence dog collar, a top stolen from the Star Trek archives, and a skirt that resembles the underside of a portabella mushroom. I would know, given that Kennett Square, where I live, is the Mushroom Capital of the World. Facts. The belt was not necessary, none of it was. I feel like if she starts to speak she may say “take me to your leader.” Maybe someone should check on Sarah and make sure she wasn’t, in fact, inhabited by an alien. This gown is custom Louis Vuitton and I think Sarah should trade it in for a few handbags.
So that’s a wrap! Congratulations to all the nominees and the winners. And in the famous words of Ricky Bobby from Talladega Nights…”If you ain’t first you last.” Kidding! Thanks again for reading!