Life Lessons…Part 3

Check Yo Self Before You Wreck Yo Self

It always happens when you are running late, dashing out the door. The times where you forget to take that final glance in the mirror to realize something is askew until it is too late.

We went out to dinner at an amazing Italian restaurant. It’s one of those gluttonous places where you split a meal and still bring home leftovers. Everything is so good, even the bread is served with marinara sauce.  Needless to say we were very excited to get seats at the restaurant. We sat down, ordered, and as I looked around I quickly wished I hadn’t. Sitting to my left, a woman was eating with her back facing towards me. Or should I say her backside. Nearly all of it. I gasped out loud. This woman’s low-rise pants were so low they took any suggestion of underwear down under with it. She made plumbers look modest. “What is it?” asked my mom. Ahhh… so innocent of her.”Crack is wack!! ” I screamed inside my head.  I couldn’t tell her.  I couldn’t kill her appetite the same way mine was visually assaulted . And then the woman shifted. The back bars of the chair eclipsed the division of her backside so now it just look liked she was wearing a half shirt with a 12 year-olds low-rise jeans. But I was done. Even the rolls started to look like mini derrieres.

Now if I would have been a better person I suppose I would have gently let her know that the whole place was getting a very generous free show. But can you imagine the awkwardness of the conversation? If she couldn’t feel the draft then it probably wasn’t my place to tell her.  Don’t get me wrong, I have been there myself. I am sure we all have. I have left in a rush and committed a wardrobe malfunction. Not in the Janet Jackson way but still looking like something was wrong. You know those yoga exercise tank tops with the bra built-in? I love to wear them when I pretend that I am going to work out for the day. Bra built into the tank? Thanks! I’m done.  Trouble is I tend to throw these into the washer and forget about the fact that the bras have those little foam cup inserts also found in a bathing suit. Sometimes those inserts fold up upon themselves in the wash. If you don’t reach in and properly align them you can have the fashionable look where you one of your boobs looks like it has morphed into two. Awesome.

I was again so confused when I saw a beautiful older woman sitting at the bar. She had a Diane Sawyer type of beautiful sophisticated look …from the front. When I walked by, she was wearing one of those trendy cutout dresses.

image via nordstrom.com

Except she decided to wear a big black bra right across the back of the dress. It was like putting on a beautiful shade of red lipstick and then talking to someone with spinach between your teeth…and you put the spinach there yourself. I was so confused. Did she not know? Was she going for a Madonna inspired look? I think showing the bra can sometimes be done in a trendy way, but I think those options are severely limited after a certain age.

*Insider Tip –

Do yourself a favor and make a nominal investment in a full length mirror. I can’t tell you the number of women I know who do not have one in their home. You can grab one at any of the larger stores for as cheap as $5. They can easily be mounted to the back of a closet door (coat closet for out the door checks or a bedroom closet).  If hanging isn’t an option they are so light you can stash one anywhere. They are also useful for holding in front of yourself with your back to another mirror. This allows you to check all angles.

*Insider Tip – 

Get your moves on like Jagger when trying on an outfit. Are you volunteering at school? Try bending over in front of the mirror to make sure the kiddos aren’t getting a health lesson while in math class when you lean down to their desks. Will you be sitting? Make sure you can sit in your dress without showing anyone your Lindsey Lohan. Pants? Bend down, sit down. Make sure they are not gapping open or exploiting more crack  than Whitney Housten (R.I.P). You will be so much more comfortable throughout the day if you can move appropriately in your clothes.  You can find double stick fashion tape even at your local drugstore. It might just prevent you from a truly awkward encounter.

3 Comments

  1. Funny I should read this today…I am pretty sure I had a wardrobe malfunction today at Mass. I knelt and my dress stayed on the pew. I don’t know if I gave the poor lady behind me a show, but I did feel a draft, so I adjusted my dress…hopefully before it was too late 🙂 OOPS!!

    Like

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