Ladies and Gents we may have to change the red carpet to black…because it’s dead.
The red carpet has we once knew it has forever changed. It was flat-out painful watching the E Network as you could literally see the stars dancing past Ryan. The rest of the crew tried to fill in with painfully awkward conversation but it was indeed painful and awkward. Oh Joan…how we miss you so.
ABC, which has the exclusive pre-show red carpet rights, wasn’t really much better. Ashley Judd and Mira Sorvino looked like they were on a manhunt and not in a romantic type of way, still they were interviewed no less than 300 times. Add in about 5 other celebrities and that was about it even for Michael Strahan. My personal opinion is that this wasn’t some kind of backlash to these particular interviews (although maybe in Ryan’s case, even though the thought of him being sexual in general is just kinda funny), but rather a back away movement as the celebrities and their publicists are now terrified of saying anything at all. If you just talk about your dress and your hair and jewelry than you are deemed shallow and insensitive and assumed to have slept with Harvey Weinstein. If you talk about the women’s movement you are bound to say something that can misconstrued by someone, somewhere. If you talk too much about the movie and your “craft” it’s just boring for everyone. So what’s a star to do? Stand still and look pretty for some pictures or just avoid the whole thing and run in at 5 minutes till showtime through some backdoor.
But, alas, the show must go on, and so will my annual red carpet review. Usually I like to give credit to the designer of this dresses but it was so difficult this year to find out who made the dresses since the women were zip lipped about their look. Let’s just saw that there was some definite themes going on – some good and some bad.
I like big bows and I cannot lie…
Hip bows, back bows, fluffy bows, all kinds of bows. I’m thinking this would make a good Dr. Seuss book.
There are two things to be observed about this trend. The first is big bows can only be worn by very tiny people, and I am talking about a size -1, if that even is such a thing. So big bows need a little body. The second is never ever go up against Nicole Kidman in fashion. She will slay it every single time.
Here comes the bride…
White was out in full force last night, and no I am not referring to race. This is a color that is bright, light and evokes hope. I like it. I just think it is dangerously close to looking like a wedding gown.
I think three of these ladies pulled this off really well. To think they didn’t even spill anything on themselves or get grease from the limo on their train is a feat unto itself. I’d be covered in makeup marks and probably a piece of chocolate from the protein bar I know I’d be chowing on in my limo on the way. But one of these ladies took it too far. Matthew McConaughey’s lovely wife Camila Alves definitely looked as if her plan was to liquor up her hot hubby and renew their vows after midnight. Just too much dress, too much tulle and too much white. (Although if you saw how much Timothée Chalamet fawned over Matthew then it may look like Camila may have to fight him for that vow.) Switch this color out for black and you have a whole different look with a lot of drama.
Bling it on…
Metallics melt my heart. Anything shiny with sparkles and I am on board. Shiny sequins and beads scream star and it takes some serious star power to hold up these often heavy dresses, both physically and mentally. You cannot be timid in a head to toe metallic dress. You have to own it and work it and believe it.
This is hard as I think all of these ladies looked fab. J. Law is so good in her golden gown that this is nearly a tie. I think I have to go with Gal Gadot because of THAT FRINGE! Plus that is not an easy kind of look to accessorize but I think that necklace is perfection. And you all know how much I dislike the sternum low front cuts but this is done correctly on her because it’s not too too low and she’s not totally flat and she’s not making us stare at her boobs being stuck together. And although many ladies went with their hair down and loose, I like Gal’s elegant updo with her classic red lip.
The bold and the beautiful…
In truth color can be hard when worn formally. It rides a fine line between going straight to bridesmaid land. Case in point.
If you go with a bold color choice it’s got to have some very creative lines to look sophisticated. This avoids that process where the bride picks one color and then you all pick the cut that “flatters you best.” Even though this is her first go at the Oscars Allison Janney showed us how to do it right. She looked like a winner and she was a winner. Those sleeves would never ever be on a bridesmaid dress because you know you would get drunk and trip on them.
And I am obsessed with how fabulous her Vanity Fair after party look is…did you know the majority of celebrities need not one but two dresses for this big night? The bigger questions is when and where do they get changed?
Now to what is probably my favorite look of the night. It helps that she is so gosh darn likable, even with being a good, wholesome type of mom. In fact the only people who don’t seem to like her are Ben Affleck and his girlfriend Lindsay Shookus, and I am sure secretly even Lindsay wants to stay home and have cocoa and bake cookies with Jen. She’s just that great. And I absolutely love even more when she glams it up. Just gorgeous.
Sleeves can be sexy…
Worth mentioning is these unicorn dresses, because finding a dress with sleeves that doesn’t make you look like a Granny is an elusive search for me as a stylist for so many of my clients. These pros nailed it. Even Meryl, who usually relies more on her acting chops that her fashion sense, looked radiant in these gorgeous shade of red.
The key when wearing a long sleeve dress is to keep the overall silhouette sleek and sexy. Notice how with all these dresses it is about the cut of the dress. Jewelry is simple and stunning, with the focus on these gorgeous ladies. This is what chic looks like.
And then there is the not so chic…
Whoopi and Audra wore someone’s drapes. I have no idea why.
This pose didn’t help her to not be compared to an upholstered floral chaise.
I love Viola Davis – but I don’t love this look. As my friend Andrea pointed out my text last night, she was clearly channeling a Donna Summer vibe…at least as far as her hair and earrings go. The lower half? That is clearly what Elle Woods would wear to the Oscars.
Selma – why? Why would you do this? And so much of whatever it is. The hair was not good either. She may have gotten into a fight with her hair stylist.
Oh Cookie…you are gorgeous…but why are you showing us your own cookies?
Do these two fight over the mirror at home to admire who is better looking? Or when you are that good looking do you just forgo mirrors altogether because you wake up knowing you have been genetically blessed. They should start another planet with the Crawford/Gerber clan, unless there is sometime of anti-trust laws on having a monopoly on all of the beautiful genes. Btw Cindy and her ugly clan weren’t there – but just take a minute to absorb how unfair this is.
Age is just a number…
This is Rita Moreno. She’s 86 years old. I’ll tell you again – eighty-six years old.
This is what enjoying life and giving zero effs looks like. She is in a strapless dress people! And not just any dress. She wore this exact same dress…in 1964. Rock on Rita.
*Insider Tip – W.W.J.L.D.?
When life puts you in the wrong “row” just grab a glass of wine and step over it – Jennifer Lawrence style.
There is no doubt that some actors take themselves very seriously. The Academy Awards is kind of like the peeps of Harvard throw a wine tasting party and really you’d rather being at a state college kegger. I love that Jennifer Lawrence, gown and all, is always relatable and real. She was one of the few people last night that looked like they were actually having fun. Granted she wasn’t up for any kind of award so it is a little bit easier to let loose. But in general I think we can all take a page out of her book and remember to not take life too seriously. It’s simply much more fun that way.
Thanks for reading – and please let me know…do you agree? Disagree? Who do you think looked good and who did not?