I love watching the red carpet during awards show season. There is so much going on behind every fashion choice because of one word. Money. Remember, these awards are flattering to the nominees and an honor for the winner, but make no mistake this is all about marketing. Image of an actor is often very blurred between onscreen and off, so hitting the right note in public perception is very important to all those head honchos who are in production at the big movie studios as well as the the more recent power players on the scene, like Apple and Netflix.
So keep in mind as much as an actor is a living, breathing, human being, they are also a vehicle of representation for whatever show or movie they are a part of at that time. Only a few can really truly say “Whatever, I’m wearing what I want”, and that club is reserved for veterans like Meryl Streep (she will continue to get roles even if she dresses like a dolphin on the red carpet), Reese Witherspoon (she changed the game by buying the rights to scripts and producing them herself), and Gwyneth Patlrow (self proclaimed semi-retired but grandfathered in as Hollywood royalty, plus married to a very prolific triple threat writer, director and producer).
Keeping all of this in mind let’s take a look at what the newbies and the “I don’t cares” wore for one of the most photographed carpets of the year.
Let’s start with the ones that I always look forward to but this year their stylists went on vacation or they were allowed to choose what they wanted to wear all by themselves. Either way these bombed for me big time.
J.Lo, Jenny from the Block, Jennifer Gift Wrapped Lopez
Elf is one of my favorite Christmas movies. I am also a huge fan of Tim Gunn, especially when he hosted Project Runway, where aspiring fashion designers were given odd materials or assignments and a short deadline to come up with a specific look. In my mind Tim Gunn visited Will Farrell’s Elf character at the gift wrapping department and told him to “Make it Work!” The result was a conglomerate of white tissue paper and lots of ribbon tied into a big bow.
Jennifer Lopez is one of the sexiest women on the planet, she can wear pretty much anything. So why this? The piles of braids resembled some kind of trifle dish and the matching green jewelry felt very “He went to Jared.” Maybe A-Rod told her he loved it just so he didn’t have to deal with other men drooling over her all night? Maybe he just thinks of her as his “gift”? Maybe she was temporarily blind??
Charlize Theron, Molly Sims and Sienna Miller…aka BiPolar Style
I’m so confused. The color is terrible. And the deconstructed look just feels so forced. Maybe in black it could have worked better? But that necklace…it just can’t be saved. So disappointed as she usually nails it.
The top looks like a bikini. The bottom is ill-fitting and the color looks like that pre-cut celery kept in water that I typically buy but forget about and then find in the back of my fridge. I just don’t get it.
Molly’s dress is beautiful…until you get to the bottom. Imagine this sleek all the way down without that tulle explosion on the bottom. It would have been so much better if kept simple.
Sexy Bondage? Kerry Washington and Cate Blanchett
Ummmm…..This just looks really super uncomfortable. And would require a hell of a lot of fashion sticky tape. They sell things like these on Amazon. They are called Bikini Body Chain Bling. Don’t believe me? Look it up. These are a tie with JLo for the worst looks for me.
Let’s Switch It Up…
Sometimes it’s not that the dress is that bad but rather just doesn’t seem to “fit” the person wearing it. Here’s some women that I’d like to see trade dresses with each other.
I want to see Michelle in the sequins with that retro Hollywood bob and bff Busy in the peachy confection (minus the blue misplaced accent). Busy’s beachy waves would be the perfect contract to the Grecian style gown.
While both of these dresses aren’t bad on each famous blonde I think they could be so much better if they switched. Michelle’s casual loose waves would be striking against the simple tailored lines of the blue column gown. While Renee’s classic upswept hair would look chic agains this black multi-textured dress that would soften her toned arms just a bit.
I just think that Naomi has the red carpet experience to better pull off this fancied floral while I like Taylor is something more sleek and sexy like this black Armani halter neck.
Jen loves black, this we know. And it works for her. But when she does her hair in this loose waves versus her other signature straight and sleek then I want to see her in a dress that is straight and sleek. I just think it compliments her better. And I think this flounced neckline and belted ballgown would have been just stunning on Christina with a nod to a bit of drama.
Perfect Example Of “I’ll Wear Whatever I Want”…Goopy Gwyneth
I’m not even going to show the rest of this dress because this is enough awful right here for you to get the idea. Gwyneth is an “it girl”, whether we like her or not. I actually like her in interviews as she comes across pretty self aware (goop and all) but still my instinct for some reason is not to like her. Weird, I know. But mark my words, “it” girls like her make and break trends and this whole necklace under the mesh look will be a thing. This was not an accident or subtle statement. This was her new thing and soon people will start consciously uncoupling from their theory that necklaces have to be on top of your clothing (how 2010s!)
The Looks That Made Me Put Down My Champagne. Helen, Zoe and Nicole. Thank you.
She’s a damn Dame and she dresses like one. That neckline, that necklace, that color. To all those 20 somethings who say ” Bring it”, this says oh “It’s already been Brought-en”. Except Dame Helen Mirren would use proper English and grammar. And yes I just shamelessly quoted from Not Another Teen Movie because I love that movie.
Very few people can pull off this dress. It may be simple classic polka-dots but if you put this on cutesy actress with a cutesy haircut it looks like an extra from Alice in Wonderland. The cuteness of this dress turns to sexy chic only because it is worn by the fierce perfection of Zoe Kravitz. That hair, that makeup, that stare that basically says “Don’t f@#k with me” in perfect irony to the feminine cute polka dots. She is a gorgeous badass.
Oh Nicole your face may be a bit frozen but you style is on fire. The fit, the tailoring, the cut…this is a gown. That material looks more expensive than my car, and I mean that in a good way. It’s hard for red not to read cheap, the weight of the fabric, the tone, the exact shade, everything has to be just right. This is perfection. And the the simple, sleek hair looks elegant without that overly slick style we saw so much of on this carpet. Her earrings are a nod to one of my other favorite movies, Moulin Rouge. And yes, one can love Not Another Teen Movie just as much as Moulin Rouge. This look is elegant and I love it.
Honorable Mention. Zoey Dutch? Who Dat?
So I’m kind of old and not up on all of the shows or the new actresses out there. I felt that much older when I googled Zoey Dutch and found out she is Leah Thompson’s daughter. Yes, Leah Thompson from Back to the Future and Howard the Duck. So she is 25 years old and a steady actress, most recently known for The Politician. I don’t know much about her or her role but I know that this color and this dress was a bit of risk and I think it totally worked. The oversized sleeves are on trend without feeling like a costume. She shows just enough skin where it doesn’t seem like she is trying too hard, in fact it almost feels modest with all of that fabric. The jewelry? That necklace was what put this dress into a whole different category for me. It’s an interesting choice, blue against this bold yellow, and it’s at a unique length. It elevated this dress and pulled the whole look together. And this is the only actress that night that I feel successfully pulled off this slicked back early 90s supermodel look correctly. Total Linda Evangelista Vibes. Reese Witherspoon tried this slicked back hair look and I don’t think it worked for her. With Zoey I am definitely looking forward to what we could see next from her in terms of style.
And The Golden Globe(s) goes to…
Salma Hayek, who brought her own set of golden globes complete with stripper platforms. Why, oh Why? Salma can’t possible champion the #metoo movement while carrying an almost illegal amount of cleavage. I’m not a guy and I wouldn’t even be able to look her in the face because I would be so distracted by the display. She’s too good for this trashy look and I would hope for better form this Hollywood veteran.
Okay, if you are still with me, that is all for my ranting and raving. I’d love to hear your feedback. I took about 10 pages of notes on so many looks that I didn’t even mention but I’m also trying not to make anyone doze off while reading this. And remember, fashion is art, it is subjective, open to your opinion and, good or bad, the opinion of everyone else. This blog post is meant in fun and in no way to be cruel to any of these women who bravely have to put themselves out here for the fashion wolves just because acting is their job. I admire all of them and could never in a million years walk that carpet. That said, I want to see them look their best and sometimes I just think maybe their stylist secretly hates them??
Anyway thank you for reading!