When I got to middle school I was super excited at the opportunity to join a sports team. I don’t know if I had any understanding of why at that particular time, it just felt like the majority move, and like most teenagers my mission was to fit in, quietly, and not stand out. I’m not competitive by nature and athleticism does not belong in a description of my personality traits. I do remember thinking that it would be an opportunity of sorts, that maybe I would feel cool. Spoiler alert, I am 47 years old and still don’t feel cool but I am okay with that. Maybe I was searching for a group or some sort of identity. Each sports team is a little different in the type of girl that you usually see on the team. My parents were supportive, happy to help me practice and buy me nice equipment – tennis racquet, lacrosse stick in the school colors, whatever footwear I needed. I tried, tennis, lacrosse and cheerleading. I even attempted a walk-on all or welcome situation for high school cross country and track, thinking well I do know how to put one foot in front of the other. None of it took. This isn’t a sad story. I had friends in lots of different groups but I just so badly wanted my name on the back of a sweatshirt. I wanted to be a part of that early dismissal for a game and those insider moments that teammates have. I guess I felt a little lost and like I was missing out.

Fast forward to college and here I was again doing the sorority rush thing. I was ecstatic to be chosen for what felt like the coolest girls sorority at school. My best friend was in my pledge class and I felt for a quick minute like we were then the coolest girls in the sophomore class. But remember, I’m not cool, not in the traditional sense like I thought I had wanted to be. About a week into pledging my grades had plummeted, I was sick, tired, and I couldn’t see how I was going to be friends with all these girls who were basically making our lives a living hell. One night, we got a phone call around 2 am asking our pledge class to come to the sorority house. We had heard rumors the call was coming and that they were going to some kind of mean verbal hazing. When the phone rang no one wanted to answer it. Something in me snapped and I answered it. And then I unleashed my unfiltered opinions in hazy in not a very sane or polite way. And then I ran. I left the pledge house we were at and I ran to my apartment. People knocked on my door all night and I did not answer. I got up the next day and went to the campus nurse to get myself back on track. A few hours later I was walking home and I saw my best friend walking toward me. She said if you are strong enough to quit then I’m quitting too. I felt cool, my kind of cool.

So bear with me know and put the fast forward on about 20 years. Our 5 -year old son asks if he can take lessons to learn how to play ice hockey. About 12 years later and here we are, he is set to graduate in the Spring and he has spent 12 years on his club hockey team and 9 years on his high school hockey team. His senior night events are coming up very quickly on the calendar. I can physically feel my heart breaking as he is our youngest and this means this time next year both our children will be away at college. This is what they have worked towards and I so very happy for them. If you have ever had your child participate in an activity that they love then you know the feeling of you equally loving watching them do what they enjoy so much. These sports, clubs, activities come with an entire community. A community where you are included and other families include you. You get to wear the swag, the team logo gear, you feel the wins and losses as if you are out there yourself. You have parents that you build relationships with, as well as that of other kids. We live on the main road in front of the high school, and everyday like clockwork, around 3pm, our son’s good friend and teammate honks several times as he passes our house. If I am home at the time I always smile. I feel included, I feel cool.

One of my most solid pieces of advice to my clients is to look at your life like a pie chart. I’ve even had clients literally draw it out onto a piece of paper. Our lives are divided up in percentages of where and how we spend our time. I encourage clients to shop and spend accordingly, as your closet should be a reflection of your own unique personal pie chart of time. I also encourage my clients to revisit this pie chart often, because our lives as wives, mothers, caregivers change frequently and sometimes with our without our consent. The client that takes a leave of absence to care take care of an aging or unwell parent doesn’t need to go out to by three new suit jackets by Theory. But they may need to visit Athleta for functional and comfortable clothes to allow they to be the best version of themselves in the areas that they spend the majority of their time.

I will also remind my clients of the Cost Per Wear concept, or CPW. For the past twelve or so years I was able to justify my purchase of coats and boots. While I love a great stiletto, I am getting older, along with my feet, and we really don’t go that many places where I need a new pair of heels. I could invest in a $100 pair of black high heels but would probably only wear them two times this year. That comes out to out to $50 per wear for one year. Let’s say I spend that same $100 on a pair of warm boots. If our son plays an average of 40 games in a year, and even if I only wear those boots for 20 of those games, that still comes out to $5 per wear for that pair of boots. My own personal pie chart is about to change, big time, and I don’t yet know what it will look like.

There really are many parts of lives that can be broken up into percentages in a pie chart, and these percentages can end up being very fluid. When I have a new client fill out their initial intake form I ask a lot of detailed questions about how and where they spend their time. This helps me determine what their closet should look like inside, frequently used items get priority locations and access, less commonly used clothes can be in the back or stored away. Our pie charts can reflect what kind of foods we eat (mine needs more healthy options and less wine for sure), or what kind of people we hang out with socially or for work.

I’d love to be super positive and pretend that all of us hockey families will be friends forever but the truth is things will change. How we feel about people doesn’t necessarily change there are families who will now be traveling to see their children play in college and there are families who still have little ones to run around to their activities. There are families who may become empty nesters and selling and moving their homes and there are families that may need a break from everyone and all the activity. I can tell you this, I will miss everyone. Every parent and family has been a part of this story and it’s been a great ride. Full of ups and downs, twists and turns, and tears and laughter. I’m not ready for it to end but I know it can’t last forever. I finally feel comfortable in my uncoolness. I’m probably one of the most vulnerable, open and honest version of myself in front of these other hockey families. I am sure there are some that may not like me, people think I’m weird, or just not understand me, and finally, at 47, that’s okay. These poor people have seen me dance on a team bus in Canada and accidentally pronounce poutine in Montreal as poontang (yes, that happened). I’ve had so much fun and so many interesting conversations with people who we never necessarily would have interacted with each other if not for our children being on the same team. I’m confident there are friendships that will last and I am grateful for the common ground of hockey to bring us together. Trust me, hurt one of our kids and you will see a wild pack of hockey mommas ready to protect their own very quickly. Through my son’s experience I got to experience a feeling of belonging to a team.

I am finding that I myself will have more time and that is super scary. Sure, it’s liberating to look at the calendar and not see 3 games scheduled, some super early and some super late, but the truth is I am not yet sure where or how I want to fill those new available hours. I’d like to write more and get back to sharing experiences that I hope make any of your reading for like you aren’t alone in your feelings or your fears. And I hope to always bring it back to helping you learn something about your own personal style, wardrobe and closet. Please use this advice about a pie chart. I’ve been lucky to work with so many people on their wardrobes for over 10 years now and I can promise you that this method will work. When you feel stuck in a rut, unsure of your style, or don’t know how to organize your closet, you can always come back to drawing a simple and honest pie chart about how your life looks right this second. For some people it changes seasonally based on their jobs, travel or interests. There was a time when I find myself buying a lot of beautiful swimsuit coverups because I love that summer bohemian surfer girl vibe. But the reality is that I don’t surf, we don’t have a pool, and I only need a few coverups to get me through the handful of trips we take to the shore. Another tip? If you find yourself constantly buying items that don’t fit into your pie chart then it may be time to reevaluate how and where you spend your time. Don’t be afraid to lean into styles and items you feel drawn to. Sometimes the cart does come before the horse, and if you keep buying dressier clothes because you feel like dressing up more than start wearing those clothes and start changing your life .

Thanks for reading!

suzie gaffney